"Goodnight," we whispered. But we all knew it wouldn't be.
And that was the night she died.
Hospital waiting rooms look pretty much like I expected. A little bigger, actually, but pretty much the same. It was as horrible as I imagined it must be, too; only more real. More horrible. Because this time I wasn't putting myself in someone else's shoes. I was in those shoes. And those shoes.... hurt.
We got the call on Friday morning, and my mom took the kids and went to the hospital immediately. I couldn't go because I had to work.
Somehow, even though I really was worried, I didn't really think it was serious. I thought everything would be "ok." Everything always ends up being O.K., right?
Right.
And then Sunday after church, we got a text message from my Aunt. Things didn't look good. Originally we had planned to eat lunch, give Dad his Father's Day presents, and then head back down to the hospital to see Grandma. But instead we rushed through lunch and just glanced through the presents. It wasn't necessarily cheerful.
Everyone looked like they had been crying. Everyone in the waiting room, I mean.
"Do you want to see Grandma?" my Aunt asked me. Of course I did. So she took me to the room.
I will never forget how Grandma looked, although I wish with all my heart I could. And I won't describe the horror. Because that's when I realized. Everything was not ok. Everything was wrong.
And I cried.
She had had a heart attack. The paramedics had barely reached her in time to "revive" her. But it wasn't enough. There was too much damage done. Too much damage.....
We all knew what was going to happen, really. We still hoped. But we knew. Deep down.
It was Monday afternoon they took Grandma off the machines.
I will never eat ice cream cones at her house again. That's the only place I ever really have ice cream cones. At Grandma and Grandpa's house. And now I never will again.
Grandma was the centerpiece to the entire family. She really was. I never noticed that before, but it's true. She was everything. And now she's gone.
She missed my eighteenth birthday. She died five days before I turned eighteen. It was a sucky day. A really sucky day.
Grandma, I love you. I miss you.
I love you.
xx
7/17/15
6/19/15
You Can Fly
when you have a friend who will spur of the moment go to rayley's with you and eat bananas and peanut butter right there in the store for dinner - just. yes. because sometimes, you just need to eat bananas and peanut butter for dinner.
5/8/15
My First Portrait of Someone Else
A lady from my church wanted me to draw a pic of her and her fiance. So here it is,
And here is a closeup,
I think it ended up pretty good; it actually looks like them. Yay!
xx
And here is a closeup,
I think it ended up pretty good; it actually looks like them. Yay!
xx
4/16/15
I don't know anything, but that's okay
To go, or not to go.
To do, or not to do.
Where, and where not.
How, and how to.
When, and what.
Questions are welling up in my brain. I'm not sure what to do. I've had to make a lot of decisions. And anyone who knows me knows how good I am at *that*! I'm always afraid of a wrong and regretted decision.
Aaaagggg! It's so.... hard to know what to do.
I want to work with orphans (in India, specifically). Help them. Love them. Tell them about Jesus.
But I can't just waltz up to some orphanage, like, "Yo, I'm here to help."
It don't work like that, y'all.
So what do I do....
And what about college?
Should I go?
Do I get a degree?
What do I get a degree in?
I am good at art, so I guess it would make sense to get an art degree and do something with that.
But what do I do with an art degree in India? Teach it? I guess. But what does that have to do with helping the poor, working with orphans, and telling people about Jesus? DOES it have anything to do with that?
1: I could set up an art studio, teach art in it, and have a shelter built into it where homeless and poor can come in for a night to stay, or food to eat.
2: I could teach art as a job, and also on my own reach out to the people.
Or I could forget art and just go be a straight up missionary in India.
What do I do????
excuse me while i sob in a corner while I contemplate what I shall do with the rest of my life.
Okay, crying done. I'm okay. I can do this.
I got this, bro.
Ok, I don't got it, but I got it.
:D
xx
To do, or not to do.
Where, and where not.
How, and how to.
When, and what.
Questions are welling up in my brain. I'm not sure what to do. I've had to make a lot of decisions. And anyone who knows me knows how good I am at *that*! I'm always afraid of a wrong and regretted decision.
Aaaagggg! It's so.... hard to know what to do.
I want to work with orphans (in India, specifically). Help them. Love them. Tell them about Jesus.
But I can't just waltz up to some orphanage, like, "Yo, I'm here to help."
It don't work like that, y'all.
So what do I do....
And what about college?
Should I go?
Do I get a degree?
What do I get a degree in?
I am good at art, so I guess it would make sense to get an art degree and do something with that.
But what do I do with an art degree in India? Teach it? I guess. But what does that have to do with helping the poor, working with orphans, and telling people about Jesus? DOES it have anything to do with that?
1: I could set up an art studio, teach art in it, and have a shelter built into it where homeless and poor can come in for a night to stay, or food to eat.
2: I could teach art as a job, and also on my own reach out to the people.
Or I could forget art and just go be a straight up missionary in India.
What do I do????
excuse me while i sob in a corner while I contemplate what I shall do with the rest of my life.
Okay, crying done. I'm okay. I can do this.
I got this, bro.
Ok, I don't got it, but I got it.
:D
xx
3/26/15
3/20/15
Remember the Good Things
So often we get caught up in all the bad things. Let's remember the good things of life, too! Here are some things that make me happy;
Listening to thunder while I'm cuddled in bed.
Chocolate.
The Ocean.
Summer drives.
Picnics.
Rainbows.
Laughing.
Music.
Hair bows.
Sketch books.
Sunrises.
Sitting around a campfire at night.
Spur of the moment family outings.
Dancing.
The amazing scent of dish soap.
Showers.
Blankets.
Cleaning.
New clothes.
Good books.
Buying things for people.
Ice cream cones on a sunny day.
Going to the park with my younger siblings.
Movies.
Camping.
Horses.
Inside jokes.
Stuffed animals.
Cozy fires on cold days.
Rain.
Sledding.
Plain hot chocolate mix. (Also regular hot chocolate.)
Taking pictures.
Listening to birds.
Swimming in a lake.
Catching crawdads in streams.
Singing.
Sleeping in.
Spying on people (hey, people are interesting, okay? also please note that I'm not the type of creep that reads peoples letters and looks in the windows of houses.... by "spying" I mean I intently observe people and their habits. :)
Dolphins.
The clean smell of shampoo.
Being barefoot.
All things stripey.
Sleeping.
Sunsets.
Peanut butter.
Zoo trips.
Superhero movies.
Seasons.
Running through the sprinkler.
Water balloons.
Babysitting.
Hanging out with friends.
Drawing.
Holding hands.
Hoodies.
Starbucks.
What are things that make you happy?
xx
P.S. Kudos to you if you actually read all that!
3/19/15
I'm allowed to breathe, too
"Anxiety in a mans' heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad."
~Proverbs 12:25 ~
Guys, stop the madness. When you hear a voice inside whisper, "you're sooooo worthless," remember God says you are valuable.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matthew 10:29-31
Jesus says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)
Give up the struggle. Go to Jesus.
xx
2/22/15
So I drew some more
Lately I have not been drawing. I haven't felt like it, and also I've been busy. What time I have had to draw I have used doing other things. I should really draw more. I know I should. I just don't. Oftentimes I don't really feel like it.
But I drew some stuff. Finally. Here they are,
This one I sketched the other day randomly, and it looks terrible because it only took me 30 minutes.
(Also, I don't know why it's sideways....)
And I got some nice coloring pencils for Christmas, so I tried them out,
Lol, never you mind that she doesn't have an ear..... :D
And this one I drew a couple months ago (I think),
This last one I especially like, because I drew two adorable Indian girls - and I love India and the people of India!!!!!
Anyways, goodbye.
xx
But I drew some stuff. Finally. Here they are,
This one I sketched the other day randomly, and it looks terrible because it only took me 30 minutes.
And I got some nice coloring pencils for Christmas, so I tried them out,
And this one I drew a couple months ago (I think),
This last one I especially like, because I drew two adorable Indian girls - and I love India and the people of India!!!!!
Anyways, goodbye.
xx
2/10/15
Why I Don't Want Another Dog// #iactuallywannadog
We used to have a dog named Mollie.
Mollie went dead-e-o.
Bye-bye, Mollie.
Sad sad.
But here are 10 reasons why I never want a dog again.
1. You have to walk them. Depending on the type of dog, they need lots of exercise. Exercise that I do not wish to participate with them. ;P
2. Not only do you have to walk them, you have to clean up their poop from the side of the road..... Because ain't nobody wanna be that moron who leaves their dog's poo for an unsuspecting victim to destroy his or her shoes.
3. You have to let them outside to do their business. And if you have a dog that does not like to listen, this means either having an outside leash-attatched-to-pole-thing, or actually manually walk out there with the dog on a leash while it goes. (Unless you have the blessing of a fenced in yard.)
4. You have to train it. This should be the first point, actually. Training a dog is horrible. I've never actually done it, but..... I'm sure it is!
5. THEY BARK AT EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter what it is. Where it is. Or who it is.
6. You have to brush them.
7. You have to vacuum up all the hair they shed.
8. When you go on trips, you have to put them in a kennel. Kennels are expensive....
9. Sometimes they pee or poo on the carpet....
And then you have to give them this look,
10.
And this one is my NUMBER ONE reason (I saved the best for last) why I never want another dog again!!!!
THEY BEG !
UUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!! I hate it!
And this pic is totally accurate,
You crinkle a paper, DOG IS THERE. You open the fridge, DOG IS THERE. Open the pantry, DOG IS THERE. Get a glass of water??? DOG IS THERE!! GO TO THE BATHROOM??? DOG IS THERE!!!!
Soooooooo. I wanna dog anyways. Because they're cool.
But we can't have one. So it's nice to remember all the bad points about a dog :)
Anyways, that's enough stupidness for now.
xx
Mollie went dead-e-o.
Bye-bye, Mollie.
Sad sad.
But here are 10 reasons why I never want a dog again.
1. You have to walk them. Depending on the type of dog, they need lots of exercise. Exercise that I do not wish to participate with them. ;P
2. Not only do you have to walk them, you have to clean up their poop from the side of the road..... Because ain't nobody wanna be that moron who leaves their dog's poo for an unsuspecting victim to destroy his or her shoes.
3. You have to let them outside to do their business. And if you have a dog that does not like to listen, this means either having an outside leash-attatched-to-pole-thing, or actually manually walk out there with the dog on a leash while it goes. (Unless you have the blessing of a fenced in yard.)
4. You have to train it. This should be the first point, actually. Training a dog is horrible. I've never actually done it, but..... I'm sure it is!
5. THEY BARK AT EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter what it is. Where it is. Or who it is.
6. You have to brush them.
7. You have to vacuum up all the hair they shed.
8. When you go on trips, you have to put them in a kennel. Kennels are expensive....
9. Sometimes they pee or poo on the carpet....
And then you have to give them this look,
10.
And this one is my NUMBER ONE reason (I saved the best for last) why I never want another dog again!!!!
THEY BEG !
UUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!! I hate it!
And this pic is totally accurate,
You crinkle a paper, DOG IS THERE. You open the fridge, DOG IS THERE. Open the pantry, DOG IS THERE. Get a glass of water??? DOG IS THERE!! GO TO THE BATHROOM??? DOG IS THERE!!!!
Soooooooo. I wanna dog anyways. Because they're cool.
But we can't have one. So it's nice to remember all the bad points about a dog :)
Anyways, that's enough stupidness for now.
xx
1/17/15
Friends
"Let's eat pizza."
We ate pizza.
"Let's have cake."
We had cake.
Friends. They are the best.
Let's do it again.
xx
We ate pizza.
"Let's have cake."
We had cake.
Friends. They are the best.
Let's do it again.
xx
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